Emily Lucarz blog

time to settle in

See Beneath The Beautiful. Lyndsie’s Story, Part 3: St. Louis photographer



Part 1: The Strength Beneath the Pink

Part 2: Releasing Vanity

Part 3: Beneath the Beautiful

Part 4: The Red Savior

Part 5: Story of her life

For updates, follow her story on Facebook

To help, visit: Care for Lyndsie

To become her friend, she created a page just for all of you. Just ask here ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

 See Beneath The Beautiful

The doctors told Lyndise to expect her hair to start falling out a few weeks into Chemotherapy. At that time, she decided that she would cut her hair, as to spare herself from feeling strands of hair falling out in the shower, or in her brush, or worse, just while sitting there. She has been living now with short hair for about 2 weeks.   It’s now starting to fall out. Lyndsie has now decided it’s time. Before more hair starts to fall out.  She decided to buzz it down as far as she could without totally shaving her head. This way she wont notice when the itty bitty hairs start to fall.  Just a bit easier on her that way.  I will let Lyndsie tell you about her current emotional state and how she’s feeling:

“Sometimes, there really is beauty within the break down. Fear of the unknown. It is a horribly frightening thing. Well to me at least. And I would say to most. Why are we scared of the unknown? For me its like being in the dark. I don’t care for it cause it feels like something can be lurking around the corner waiting to jump out and scare the heck out of me. It’s an comfortableness that just, doesn’t feel good. Have you ever noticed that at night, when all the lights are off in your home, after your eyes start settling in the darkness, that the smallest light starts shining out of no where? And that little bitty light slowly becomes brighter and brighter the more your eyes adjust into the darkness? A power button on a fan, the little light on your phone, or a button glowing from your tv or computer. It becomes so bright when your eyes finally adjust to the darkness that you find yourself being able to get up and find your way without stumbling. All from this liiiitttle light, that shines, so bright, in complete darkness. I was afraid as all get out to lose my hair. After I chopped it off, I was so sad and it took a while for me to adjust. Now every morning when I get up and throw some product in my hair I see more and more strands start to fall into the sink. This happened for the first time about a week ago and it hit me on a day when my day was hard from the start. When it rains it pours right. I rode to work crying that morning knowing the inevitable was among me. My hair is beginning to come out and i can’t stop it. I can’t explain this feeling to you. Its a feeling of helplessness. Something you know is coming and you just can’t stop it. It’s horrible and made me sick to my stomach. Every morning since I have done the same thing, put product in my hair, and see more and more strands fall into the sink. I even now find myself pulling on my hair throughout the day to see if I am going to get a clump out. The fear of the unknown is a scary thing to me but I sat the other night in the dark and found that little light, deep within my soul. This time, it shined bright enough for me to find my way again, with out stumbling. I realized that I was looking at this all wrong again. I have a fear of the unknown because I don’t know what is lurking around the corner. In this instant I thought; what if that something around the corner was bad? I mean, it is right? I have breast cancer. But then I thought wait, I already HAVE looked round the corner and it WAS bad, so what if I flipped it around now? What if that something around the corner now was something amazing waiting to greet me? -Light bulb. I would never know unless I took a leap of faith and just jumped. It was then I decided; its time. No more being scared of the unknown, I’m going to buzz my hair. I’m going to buzz it before I lose it all. I am tired of being scared, and I’m tired of the unknown. So I figured, lets go. Let’s jump. – Lord just please don’t let me hit a seagull on my way down! Am I ready for the world to see me with a buzzed head? (I decided against any wig) Am I ready to be starred at? Am I ready for the pity glances when I am carrying my two children with a buzzed head? Heck if I know. But what I do know, is I am ready to have people look at me and say; wow, that is a strong woman, fighting for her life, for her family. May God bless them and watch over them. What I do know is I am ready as I will ever be. Besides. How many girls actually get a chance to go all Demi Moore on their heads? Only difference is, she got paid a TON of money to buzz HERS. I on the other had will get repaid with my life. Which is far far more rewarding. HOO-AH folks. – That saying is said to have many different spellings, and sayings, but the one meaning I found most fitting to me and my circumstance; “It means we have broken the mold. We are battle focused. Hooah says ÔLook at me. I’m a warrior.”

We decided to do this outside to represent “letting go”. Instead of focusing on all the hair falling to the floor, why not focus on it blowing away in the wind. Watching it go. This step represents Lyndsies readiness to fight this head on.  It’s a very emotional and huge step at that.  She will now have to walk around “looking” like she has cancer. She will have to wear scarves, or hats, or just feel the breeze on her pretty head.  This is not only a time she is loosing part of her, once again, but now she’s facing the public. Sounds so trivial when compared to being able to fight for her life, and it is. But showing the world WHAT she is fighting, takes even more strength. She will have to keep smiling, as she always does, through all the stares, people avoiding her, or being overly nice. She will have to bring up the subject with perfect strangers to relieve the tension that with normal conversations would not be there.  There are so many levels to this and unknowns ahead of Lyndsie that she will have to fight through. But, I know, she’s got this :).

When I arrived at Lyndsies house, her mom was there. Beebs and her kiddos and hubby were there.  Her little one sick, taking a tub, her big guy running around like a typical boy. Also, Carol was there. Carol has been making Lyndsie and family cancer fighting meals, for 2 meals a week. Im not talking spaghetti here. This friend can COOK! She’s one of those behind the scenes friends who I thought needed a big hug. Cindy you rock. Lyndsie was running late home from work. Overall shes been getting tired.  Having to leave work one day due to exhaustion. Chemo will do that to ya. But she was sure excited to get home to do this.  Her good friend, “Beebs” was there again to shave her head. Lyndsie wanted to do the first cut, then her little guy Tobin did the next few (supervised of course 🙂 ), then Beebs took over.  Lyndsie decided to buzz it down as low as it would go. This way allowing it to fall out totally on it’s own as Chemo goes on.  She just wanted it over. Too much waiting. Too anxious seeing hair falling out. I don’t blame her.

What you don’t see in these photos is all the humor and fun we have during our time together. This session we tried to have some fun with her son Tobin.  We all try to keep things light. Try to “make fun” in a way without sounding mean. Kinda laughing it off as we know soon enough, times will be getting much harder, and it may be harder to see the good in all of this.  Eventually my visits with Lyndise will be much more difficult. She will be tired. She will want this to be over. She will be facing a double mastectomy post even more aggressive chemotherapy. So for now, we laugh. It’s now time to “see beneath her beautiful” of Lyndsie.  She is much more than a pretty face. She is much more than amazing hair. She is strong. She is courageous. She is an incredible wife, daughter, sister and mom. She is an amazing person. I pray she can always remember that everyone who loves her, everyone that knows her, only sees beneath the beautiful.

Plus, who wouldn’t stare at her face ANYways.


+Make sure to watch the video below to see her entire session+                   Make sure to continue following Lyndsies Journey. If you missed part 1 and 2, the links are both at the top of this post.

Emily is a newborn, child and family photographer in the St. Louis area.

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  1. Tonya says:

    Bless her heart! My FIL is battling Stage 4 cancer, and in addition to chemo, he is doing Life Vessel Treatments. He has hardly gotten sick from chemo as these treatments take care of the free radicals leftover from chemo, and help align the body and allow it to self-heal as our great Creator has designed it to. It has been life changing and life giving for Papa and I didn’t want to pass on the opportunity to tell you about this. His cancer markers were well over 8,000 and the dr. couldn’t believe he was alive and sitting in his office. 4 months later, cancer count is down to 3600 and he is still going to work everyday and feeling good. I am telling you, there is something to this treatment program!!!!!!
    I have no connection with Life Vessel, just my own experience with our beloved Papa, so my motives of sharing are pure. 🙂 I know there is one in Colorado, and one in Kansas. If we got ahold of the Ks gals, I bet they could help us find if there is one closer to you all. {People drive from all over to do these treatments….someone just came from East coast recently!!!!}
    If you would pass this on to Lyndsie with my email, I would love to talk to her more about our experience.
    Your photo sessions are just breath taking and heart grabbing, bless you for capturing life in such a raw and beautiful way for her and her family.
    God bless you BOTH,

  2. Kelsey M-J says:

    This is an amazingly beautiful video. Lindsay is such an inspiration. Her smile is contagious and her bravery is so amazing. I watched this with my 9 month old daughter. I started it as I was feeding her her bananas and she was so drawn into the video that I couldn’t even get her to take a bite. I cant tell you one thing, I would love for my daughter to grow up watching people as amazing as Lindsay. We could all learn from her. <3 Keep fighting, mama. You have lots of people praying for you.

  3. Cyndie Thoele says:

    Oh Emily! You never disappoint. God put you in our lives. He has promised angels walk around us unannounced. You are one of Lyndsie’s angels. Your work is beautiful. From the photography to the music selection. Perfect. You are making life long friends her Emily. Thank-you for saying and showing what our family sometimes can’t. Doesn’t she look sooo at peace? Good call on spitting in cancers eye and just shaving it. I love you Lyndsie X 3 and a rose just cuz. xoxox Mom

  4. Rhea says:

    She is still absolutely STUNNING. She is absolutely beautiful. Sending lots and thoughts of prayers her way!!

  5. Kelly Wilk says:

    You hang in there girl! I went through it over 7 years ago and I’m still here! Was not fun losing my hair but that was the least of it! You look beautiful and you are surrounded by those who love you! That’s the most important thing!

  6. Erin says:

    Hi Emily (And Lyndsie), I just wanted to tell you how very inspiring your story has been for me. Your story has tugged and tugged on my heart since I first read it and I will be praying for you both. I am a crafty crocheter and would like to make you some hats! Where can I send them?

  7. schriee k says:

    So beautiful and eloquently documented. Thanks for sharing and my prayers to you and your family. God’s promises are true and real. Stay strong sweetie! Hugs

  8. Sheree says:

    Seriously, just when I think she can’t get any more beautiful she does!!! I am so excited for you Emily that you get to document this time in Lyndsie’s life. And Lyndsie I am so thankful that I have “met” you. You are the definition of strength and beauty! May God richly bless you and your family, even more than he already has! Know that we are praying for you daily!

  9. Jen Breckenridge says:

    She doesn’t even NEED hair! She’s so beautiful.

  10. Natalie says:

    She still looks beautiful! You go girl! You can beat this!!!

  11. Charlotte says:

    You look beautiful no matter what!! I pray for you everyday. God bless you!

  12. Heather Bosner says:

    Inspiring!!! What a strong and brave woman. She seems to have so much strength for her children. The video was beautiful and captured the moment in such a lovely way!

  13. sheila says:

    prayers for you Lyndsie and your family…
    may god bless you and keep you in your journey….
    and what a beautiful documentation of her story…

  14. Bridget smith says:

    I have truly fallen in love with miss Lyndsie since the first day that I meet her and with or without hair she’s a true beauty love you girl

  15. Miranda Robinson says:

    This is so touching! You are BEAUTIFUL!!! May God Bless You!


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